Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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