he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
