Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
