Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
