so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
