I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
