Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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