Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
