I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
