Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
