remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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