i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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