Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
