i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
