I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
