We're like a lot better than the average bears
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
