Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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