I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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