you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
