I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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