there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
