you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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