He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
