I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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