we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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