Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think your dad took our porno
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
