and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think your dad took our porno
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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