the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize