You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize