if i can run in heels then i can drive
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
