just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
