It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
