that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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