upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
