someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize