I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
