sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Girls should come with a carfax report
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
