I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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