when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
