gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
