Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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