I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
