well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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