If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
