You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
