Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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