i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Found your dick twin last night
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
