i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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