wrigley field is MILF paradise
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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