I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
