Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
