its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
