At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
