life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
