wakey wakey hands off snakey
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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